


Your End Was Our Beginning

by Zoril



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, But there's still gonna be a lot of depression and anger involved, Connors dead btw, Depression, F/F, Ghost Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Google how does a relationship between a human and ghost work?, I don't even know how I'm going to finish this story, I should probably mention there will be lots of cursing, I'm gonna try to keep it light-ish, Idk how many chapter, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Y'all know what you're getting into this is DEH, that gay shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-09-12 12:18:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16872768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoril/pseuds/Zoril
Summary: "What the fuck?"Connor looked down at himself from the foot of the hospital bed. A dozen IVs stuck out of him, his hair was a tangled mess, and the itchy hospital gown stuck to his skinny frame.His family surrounded, all with varying levels of emotion. His mother was sobbing audibly, his father just stared through him, and Zoe, well, Zoe was harder to read but she sure didn't look happy. Then again she never did these days."No seriously, what the fuck?"Ghost! Connor AU(I started reading the DEH novel and I haven't been able to get this story out of my head. I definitely recommend all fans of the musical go read it, you won't regret it! It's got some chapters from Connors perspective, including after he dies. Haven't finished it yet though)





	1. Two Boys and a Letter

“What the fuck?” Connor looked down at himself in the hospital bed. A dozen IVs stuck out of him, his hair was a tangled mess, and the itchy hospital gown stuck to his skinny frame. 

He glanced at his mother who sat there, audibly sobbing next to him, or at least his body. Speaking of, deathly pale was not a good look for him.

Meanwhile his father sat stoically beside her, as if his blank staring would somehow wake Connor up from his deep slumber.

Then there was Zoe. She seemed to have a million emotions written on her face. Anger, sadness, resignation, confusion, fear, and was that guilt? Regret? Connor wasn’t too good at the whole emotions thing himself so he wasn’t gonna try and untangle that mess. 

Taking a look around Connor saw the familiar white walls of the hospital. His “body” felt light, in a way it hadn’t in a long time, but he also felt a disconnect, like he could float away at any moment. Suddenly his mother spoke up,

“We have to find him. This… Evan Hansen.” 

Her voice was shaky but determined as she clutched a familiar letter in her hands. 

That was that guy’s letter, the one with the broken arm. Fuck he totally forgot to get rid of it in his most recent emotional cluster-fuck. 

Emotions. Now that he focused on them he realized he was calm. Well, mostly. He still felt them, the underlying unease of trying to accept that, yup, he was dead, and the longing of the full life he never got to live. But now it all seemed subdued. Not in a bad way, like the way his pills used to fog his brain till he felt numb and empty. Now they were easier to handle, they flowed over him like a soft breeze instead of tangling around him and strangling his mind. 

“Is this how normal people feel all the time?” He mused out loud. No one else seemed to respond so he decide to test out his new state of being to see what he could do. 

He walked over to his father, standing in his line of sight but Larry’s stare went right through him. Next, he walked over to a little plastic cup filled with water on his bedside and attempted to move it. The object seemed to weight a billion pounds as Connor tried with all his might to simply push it a bit. 

He dipped his finger in the water, the water seemed to ripple a little but his finger didn’t feel wet. Touching the cheap sheets of his hospital bed he knew they should feel rough but the texture was non-existent. 

Connor got tired of fiddling with the room and went into the halls. 

“I wonder if there’s a limit to how far I can be from my body.” 

It was easier to speak out loud, made him feel a little more alive. Assuring him that yes, he really was here, even if no one else could see. Shouldn’t there be more like him though? This is a hospital, he figured it would be riddled with other spirits and whatnot. 

“Really puts a whole new meaning to feeling alone while surrounded by people huh?”

The blonde woman at the front desk looked exhausted and sad. As he got closer he could hear her talking to a coworker. 

“The poor thing. He was so young.”

“Wasn’t he Evan’s age?” 

“Yea…” The coworker seemed to realize her implication but the damage had been. The blonde woman looked sick and she rushed to grab her phone. 

Connor felt a little sick himself and decided he’d had enough of the hospital. As Connor walked away he could hear the woman on the phone, 

“Hey sweetie, how’s it going? How was school? … Just thought I’d say hi on my break.” 

The voices faded away and he stood in front of the entrance to the hospital. He hesitated, he couldn’t open the door if he couldn’t even push a paper cup, but if this was anything like the movies he should be able to go through it. Which doesn’t make a lot of sense because why wouldn’t he just phase through the ground then? Or maybe he was trapped until someone opened the door. 

He decided to stop thinking so much, worst thing that could happen is that it doesn’t work, and it’s not like anyone can see his failures anymore. 

Preparing himself, he closed his eyes and pushed forward. He could feel himself slip through the door and he opened his eyes to see the parking lot of the hospital. Orange painted the sky as the sun slowly descended under the horizon, leaving black in its wake. Cars drove by, illuminated by the streetlights. Life continued to push forward. 

Connor didn’t know where he was going, only that he felt he needed to keep moving, lest he’d slip away. So, he walked on.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Dear Evan Hansen, 

Today is literally the worst day of your life. Summer has ended, which means going through the first day all over again. Finding all your classes, introducing yourself in front of everyone while you hope you don’t look weird and that they can’t see your stress-sweat through your clothes, and trying not to draw attention with the giant bright white cast you can’t cover up. But that’s not it, no, that would just be too easy wouldn’t it? No, today you also got pushed over in the hall, in front of EVERYONE, by the one and only Connor Murphy. You made a fool of yourself in front of Zoe Murphy. And, you managed to get your original letter stolen by Connor, after things seemed to be going smoothly because really, when can you catch a break? So senior year is looking great so far, can’t wait for tomorrow. 

Sincerely Me"

Evan flopped back onto his bed after writing his stressors out onto the paper. He skipped his appointment with Dr.Sherman today after Connor stole his letter; the day had been stressful enough without trying to convince his therapist that he was doing great at being a functional human being and not an anxiety riddled mess. Strangely, his mom had called him and asked him how he was doing on one of her breaks. Normally she was too busy to talk other than to send a quick text that she had to cover extra shifts, again. This time she managed to at least inform him over the phone.

Speaking of, she had left 20$ on the counter in case he wanted to order in. She should know by now that he couldn’t, but he guessed it was the thought that counts. He pocketed the money so he could either sneak it back into her wallet or spend it on food at a later date (He’s learned from experience that if he doesn’t take it she’ll give him that disappointed look. The one that said “Why can’t you just be normal?” “Why aren’t the pills and therapy enough?” ) 

He then had gone upstairs to write out his new and improved letter. Not that he could show this one to Dr.Sherman. This was how he really felt. Like life was a constant battle where he got the short end of the stick. Want a family? How about a single mom who’s never home? Want friends? How about a kid who doesn’t want to be seen in public with you and uses you so his mom will give him “insurance money.” Want an uneventful senior year? How about you get toppled over by the printer-throwing kid in front of the rest of your peers?

Dr.Sherman was supposed to be his way of communicating these feelings but everytime Evan walked into the office, he felt like Dr.Sherman was just another person he had to put on a happy “normal” front with. 

At least he had his anxiety medication. 

'Tick tock tick tock'

Something felt off but he couldn’t place it. 

Checking his phone there were no new messages. He didn’t need another refill of his pills for at least the next week. No homework, it being the first day and all. 

So what? What was it. 

'Tick tock tick tock'

Glancing outside, Evan saw that the sun had gone down. Streetlamps illuminated the road outside his home with their yellow glow. The air was cooling off now that fall was right around the corner. 

Sighing, Evan closed his notebook and tried to relax. His therapist had suggested a bunch of stuff to help him destress, but one of the few things that helped was Dr.Sherman’s breathing techniques.

In for 4, hold for 7, out for 8. Repeat.

Movement outside of his window caught his eye and Evan looked over to see a figure in the street, staring at his house. His heartbeat skyrocketed and his breathing quickened. 

So much for those breathing exercises. 

It was too dark to pick up any details about them, but they seemed slim. Evan stood like a deer in headlights and the figure stared straight back. Time seemed to freeze around them and neither moved until suddenly, the figure wasn’t there.

Evan rubbed his eyes and blinked just to make sure, but yup, the person was gone. The person didn’t seem very big, but you don’t need muscles to be dangerous. A gun or knife would do just fine, especially against him. 

Evan tip toed his way to the front door to make sure it was still locked before running back into his room. He knew he wasn't going to get any sleep that night. Fear continued to grip at his heart as he sat in his bed, flinching at any little noise he heard. Tears stung his eyes and if wasn't so scared, he'd probably laugh at how it had only been a couple weeks ago that he'd wanted nothing more than to die. The brain's instinctual preservation was so strange at times. 

He wished his mom was here. He wished he wasn’t alone after such a shit day. He wished he had anybody he could talk to. Anybody in the world.


	2. A Ghostly Reunion

Evan didn’t get a lot of sleep that night. 

Running on empty, he threw on the biggest hoodie he had to hide his cast and dragged himself downstairs to find Heidi at the table eating cereal. 

“Hi sweetie. Sorry I got home so late last night, how was your first day back?” The bags under her eyes were even more prominent than usual. Must have been a really long night.

“It’s fine. School was fine I guess.” Evan rummaged through the cabinets to busy himself. He really didn’t want to talk about yesterday. In fact, he’d rather forget it ever happened. 

She masked her disappointment with a fake cheeriness and asked, “Did you see any of your friends? How’s Jared? Meet anyone new?” 

Evan grabbed the box of granola bars he’d been searching for and took the last one for his breakfast. “Jared’s the same as usual and I saw Alana; she’s been busy volunteering.”

He didn’t know if interacting with Connor for the first time counted as “meeting someone new.” After all, everyone knew Connor. He was the troublemaker with a short temper who threw a printer at his teacher in elementary school. But he wasn’t about to tell his mom all of that.

“That’s nice, she seems like a hardworking girl.” She rose to put away her now-empty bowl and looked back at Evan, “I might be late coming home again tonight, but I should be able to take tomorrow night off. How’s taco night sounding?”

Evan knew not to get his hopes up but there was no use in putting his mom down. He mustered up as much enthusiasm as he could to say,

“Sounds great.”

but it fell a little flat. 

Heidi took it in stride and gave her son a tight hug and “I love you” before stepping out the door to work another long shift before her law class. 

Evan glanced at his phone. He had time before he had to go to school so he decided to hang out in his room. Maybe finally write a halfway decent letter to give to Dr.Sherman.

He sat at the desk, pulled out a blank sheet, and started the letter like the rest:

“Dear Evan Hansen 

Today is going to be an amazing day and here’s why…”

Evan paused. This is where he always got stuck, because really, what reasons did he have to believe today was going to be any better than the rest. He decided to go with something bland and inspirational, like something his therapist would say. 

“Today is going to be an amazing day because you are trying. You are getting out there and interacting with the world even though it can be stressful and scary. Performing everyday interactions is a huge accomplishment for you even though the rest of the world doesn’t think twice about it. It’s funny really, just how much you overreact about the slightest things. You’re not supposed to have panic attacks when the teacher calls your name or when your crush asks if you’re ok. That’s not how normal people behave..”

Evan realized he was spiraling again. Groaning in defeat, he put his head on the desk. These letters shouldn’t be so hard to write. 

“Wow, you’re a fucking mess. Almost as much as me. And, well, I say almost cause, you know, at least you’re alive.”

Evan screamed at the voice that suddenly came from behind him and jumped out of his chair. Whipping around he found himself face to face with Connor fucking Murphy. In his bedroom. 

“What are you doing in my room? How did you even get in here?” Oh God, did Connor break into his house to kill him. Everyone at school thought he was crazy enough but Evan didn’t think he’d go this far. Shit, his mom wouldn’t be home till night, which left plenty of time to get rid of a body and clean up the evidence. What would it be? A gun? A knife? A ba-

“Wait, you mean, you can actually see me?” 

What

“Uhh, yea?” Evan swallowed “No seriously how did you get in here?”

Connor let out a panicked laugh. “Well, funny story really, I walked through the front door, and by through I mean I literally went through it because um, well because I’m kinda, sorta, dead. I think.” 

Evan relaxed his tight grip on his desk chair and confusion took the place of fear. Connor didn’t seem angry, in fact this was probably the most not-pissed off he’d seen him, not counting the library. He slowly eyed Connor up and down before looking back to his his face. Connor’s pained expression radiated nervousness. Evan wasn’t really sure what he was supposed to do in this situation. But hold on-

“What do you mean you’re dead? You’re standing right in front of me.” 

“Yea, no. I’m pretty sure I’m dead. Either that or I’m in a coma. Which would probably make equal sense as me being a ghost. Or spirit. Or I guess whatever this”, he gestured to himself, “is.” 

“A-Are you high right now?” Evan eyed Connor suspiciously and the boy eyed him back with annoyance and growing frustration. 

“You don’t believe me, fine. Here, touch me.” Connor stalked over and held out his hand. Evan was hesitant but the hand seemed normal enough. No secret buzzers or strange substances. 

He reached out, but the moment he touched Connor’s hand, he went right through. It was an odd, cold sensation that made his hair stand up and a shiver ran through him. He jerked his hand back and grabbed at the sleeve of his casted arm. 

Before the panic, of having what he could only assume was a far too realistic hallucination, could set in, Connor decided to chime in.

“Hey, at least now you can say you’ve been inside another man.” To top it off, he added a cheesy wink, and Evan could feel his cheeks heating up. 

“Ew, stop, you’re acting like Jared.” 

“Ew, I’m nothing like that asshole.”

“That’s totally something he’d say though.” 

“First off, my amazing sense of humor is trademarked for Connor use only, and second- “

The alarm on Evan’s phone broke through Connor’s monologuing and Evan jumped. He needed to leave for school. He glanced back up at the… person? ghost? in front of him.

You probably shouldn’t go outside when you’re having, what is probably the most vivid hallucination of your life. But he couldn’t skip without his mom finding out, and then he’d have to tell her why. He should really have his doctor check his meds. Or maybe he’d finally lost it. 

“”The Tree Identification Book”, “The History of the Redwood Forest”, “The Hidden Life of Trees”? God you really are a sad nerd.” Connor had stalked over to his little ikea bookshelf to apparently judge him on his taste in literature. Yup, he’d definitely lost it. 

Evan jumped as his alarm went off again. Seriously, if he wanted to get to school he needed to leave now.

Connor eye’d him as he grabbed his shirt and left to change in the bathroom. Hallucination or not, his self-consciousness screamed at the thought of changing in front of someone else. Picking up his backpack he headed out the door. He realized as he was walking down the sidewalk that Connor had followed him. 

“Um, what are you doing?”

“Following you obviously. You’re the only person who I can seem to talk to.” Connor kicked absentmindedly at a stone on the pavement. 

“You understand people will think I’m crazy if they see me talking to you right? Fuck, maybe I am crazy. Maybe my meds are acting up.”

“Would you fucking calm down, you’re giving _me_ anxiety” 

“Sorry.” Evan mumbled. 

They didn’t talk much until Evan actually got to school. He half expected to see Connor, the _real_ Connor, scowling as he marched down the hallway, proving to Evan that this whole thing was some weird mental mishap, but the moment never came. Zoe didn’t show either, something both boys noticed but didn’t comment on.

Biology class was halfway through when Connor finally spoke up from his perch on the edge of Evan’s desk.

“This class bores me to death.” Connor joked with a sideways glance, causing a startled laugh to bubble out of Evan. 

The horrified amusement was short lived as everyone turned to look at Evan.

“Is there something you find funny about molecular genetics Hansen? Please, do share it with the class.” The teacher, Evan couldn’t recall her name, was clearly annoyed by his interruption. 

Evan kept his head down but he could feel everyone staring at him. A few people laughed and he could feel his face turn red. His chest was pounding and his palms started to sweat. Evan mumbled out a quiet “Sorry” and the teacher turned back to her lesson. Even after everyone had turned away Evan could feel his heartbeat in his ears and he couldn’t focus on the lesson. 

He kept his head turned down for the rest of class and Connor had the tact not to say anymore. That is, until the bell rang for the next period and they were out in the busy hallway.

“What a bitch. You didn’t do anything wrong. She interrupted the class when she decided to stop teaching and humiliate you. This is why I always hated this shit-hole.”

Evan didn’t respond, too many people around. He kept his head low and quickly moved to his next class. Pre-calculus went well enough; the teacher didn’t call on him and Connor was content to walk around the class, even disappearing into the hall for a while. It wasn’t until his english class that his day was interrupted. 

“Evan Hansen to the front office, Evan Hansen to the front office.”

It took Evan a moment to realize that it was his name they were calling. His anxiety spiked, not just for being called, but because now everyone was looking at him again. His chair scraped loudly against the floor as he stumbled out of it. He managed not to drop anything as he rushed to get all his things back into his backpack. The teacher resumed her lesson but Evan could still feel everyone’s gaze. His muscles were tensed until he got into the, thankfully, deserted hallway. 

Connor wasn’t around though. Evan shrugged it off, hoping that maybe he really was just a temporary hallucination of his crazed lonely mind. He didn’t know why that thought made him kinda sad, but it dispelled quickly as he reached the front office where Connor was waiting for him.

Connor didn’t look up or speak as Evan walked in, but he did follow him silently. Too silent in fact. Evan realized Connor’s footsteps didn’t make any noise. Goosebumps ran down his arms at the thought. 

The secretary pointed Evan into the principal’s office and as he entered he saw the principal wasn’t there. A man and a woman together on the couch, both looking up as he entered. The man looked emotionless and but the woman looked down right miserable. She rose to her feet and approached Evan.

“Evan Hansen? It’s so nice to finally meet you. We’re Connor’s parents”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boo-ya, chapter 2 is done. Thank you for reading! Feel free to leave a comment, it really helps me keep the chapters coming when I know people actually want to read my stuff.


	3. Self Grief and Anger

Connor looked at his parents as they begged Evan for information about their son. Evan, being the weird little ball of anxiety that he was, didn’t seem to know what to say, so he said nothing. At least they’d given Evan his letter back. 

Honestly, he didn’t know how he felt about the situation, so he also did nothing. A part of him was pissed that his parent’s suddenly seemed to give a shit about him. Well, at least his mom pretended. Larry just sat there, trying to calm his wife down as she practically interrogated Evan. 

Then, hearing them talk about his funeral threw him through a roller coaster of emotions. It felt too final. Even now, he couldn’t quite accept it. He was dead, and he wasn’t coming back. Ever.

He could feel the emotions build up, experienced it enough by now to know that if he kept piling them, the dam would break and they’d come rushing out. Hurting whoever’s closest. In this case, the only person would be Evan. It used to be Zoe. His parents too, but almost always Zoe first. 

Fuck he’s dead and he never told her how much he cared. How proud he was of her. He should have told her more often. When was the last time he told her he loved her? When was the last time they’d had a conversation that didn’t end with screaming? He never even saw her perform. 

“onnor? Connor!”

Connor jumped when he saw Evan was now standing in front of him, looking worse for wear. His parents were gone; probably left to let Evan process his “grief.” Like any of them actually grieved him. Larry was probably just pissed that all his coworkers will judge him for having a dead suicidal son. His mom loved to be dramatic and will probably be over it by the time the week is over, like the rest of her phases.

“What were you saying?” 

Evan just looked at him for a moment and quietly said,

“You’re actually dead… holy shit you’re actually dead”

Does this kid have hearing problems on top of anxiety?

“I already told you that!”

“Yea b-but I thought that I had just gone crazy or t-that you were messing with me somehow. I didn’t think you were actually… How? Why? I don’t understand.” Evan trailed off. 

“Sure you do.” Connor said with maybe a bit to much bitterness. 

“What?” Evan looked genuinely confused. 

“How’d you break your arm Evan?” Connor knew it was a low blow but he really didn’t want to talk about it.

“I-I fell, I told you that.” Evan mumbled. Yea, not so nice when it’s you being questioned. 

Connor scoffed, “yea ok”, and turned to walk out of the office. Connor missed that light hazy feeling that he had when he’d first “woken up”. Now he felt too similar to the way he felt before. The emotions raged inside of him and the more he tried to suppress them the more they threatened to explode.

“Wait Connor!” Evan tried to grab at Connor’s arm but once again, he went straight through. It was a strange feeling. A warmth that flowed through him. 

He growled and turned around, “What Hansen?” 

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”’

“For asking you about it … for not believing you. For not doing anything to stop it. For letting Jared be such a dick to you. For writing that” hick “stupid letter.” Evan started to cry and Connor felt his anger leave him. 

“Hey, you couldn’t have known. We weren’t even friends.” 

“Still” Evan sniffled and rubbed at his eyes.

“No seriously. Out of anyone in this shithole you were one of the few people who had nothing to do with it. Even if I hadn’t found your letter that day, I already had the idea in my head.” And wasn’t that the truth. In fact, one of the few decent moments he had before he … before it happened was talking to Evan in the library. His parents, other students, even teachers always made everything worse.

Evan didn’t seem 100% convinced but at least he wasn’t crying anymore. 

“Now let’s get the hell out of here. I don’t know about you, but I can’t sit through another useless class period.” 

That got Evan to smile, “You don’t have to stay. You could literally leave whenever you want.”

“But then who would I entertain with my amazing sense of humor? My talent is wasted on everyone else.” 

Both of them laughed and for a moment, everything seemed like it was going to be alright. 

————————————————————————-

Evan thought Connor seemed a little too ok with the whole ghost thing. Maybe it had to do with the fact that even Connor seemed to forget he was dead sometimes. Evan would catch him going to grab something or talk to someone, before he seemed to remember couldn’t. 

Then again maybe Connor wasn’t as put together as he seemed. Like now, he refused to come into the funeral ceremony, opting to wait outside instead. 

So Evan was left alone to talk to Connor’s loved ones, which, now that he was inside, there seemed to be almost none of. Of course his parents were there, and Zoe, and, surprisingly, one of his old teachers from elementary school. Not a single friend or distant relative seemed to have shown up and damn if that wasn’t a depressing thought. 

The Murphys called Evan over to talk and Evan found himself with Ms.Murphy’s number and a promise to stop by for dinner sometime soon. This is why Evan shouldn’t talk to people. His ‘smile and nod’ technique only brought him more trouble. 

“You did what?! Why didn’t you just say no? Say that you were too busy crying about me at home or some other bullshit?” Connor was pacing around Evan’s room as Evan panicked about eating dinner with the Murphy’s tomorrow. 

“You know why! I-I panicked, because that’s what I do, I panic. I blanked out and suddenly she was hugging me and telling me that she’d ‘see me soon’ and y-you can’t yell at me, you weren’t even there!” 

“I’m sorry that I don’t want to see my corpse surrounded by, mmm, let’s see, what, 3 people? Just drive it home that I’m fucking dead and no one gives a shit? Only reason my shitty family was there was because they had to be.” 

Evan picked at his worn sleeve, a nervous tick of sorts. “I-I don’t think that’s true. Your mom seemed pretty upset when I talked to her. And I’m s-sure Zoe cares too.” 

“Of course you’d think Zoe cares, because she’s so fucking perfect right? That’s why “all my hope is pinned on Zoe”” right? Because you think she’s a fucking saint who would want to hook up with a suicidal anxious mess like you right? Well guess what, if she thinks she’s too good to be seen around her psycho brother, why would she even give you the time of day?”

If Connor had real lungs he would probably be panting with how loud he’d been yelling. He suddenly felt like a deflated balloon, all the pressure let out at once now that he’d unloaded. But fuck it wasn’t worth it just for the look in Evan’s eyes. Like a kicked puppy who just watched his family get put down. Dark but true. 

He heard Evan’s hyperventilating before he saw it. But once it started the kid couldn’t seem to stop. By the time he started balling Connor felt truly like the scum of the earth. Only he could continue to be such a massive asshole after death. 

“I’m sorry, fuck I’m so sorry.” Connor crouched down by Evan who sat on the floor with his hands covering his face. Connor longed to be able to touch the boy, comfort him, but he knew better.

“Evan, I didn’t mean any of that. I got pissed and I-I took it out on you because you were the only person I could.” Evan was still curled up tightly on his floor but Connor could tell he could hear him. “Fuck Evan, you gotta tell me what to do here cause I have no clue.” He needed to calm down, panicking wasn’t going to help Evan. 

“Just talk to me,” a pitiful weeze escaped the boy’s throat, “please.”

Talk? Yea Connor could do that. Literally the only thing he could do in fact. “Um, ok so, this one time when I was really little my family used to go to this ice-cream shop, A la Mode. I think it’s still open actually. And this one day dad gave me and Zoe a 20$ bill to get a couple ice-cream cones. Being kids, we used the whole 20$ to get us as much ice-cream as possible.” Evan breath had gotten less labored. “So we come back out with like, five scoops on each of our cones and my mom is just throwing a fit about how she doesn’t want us spilling or dropping our ice cream in her car. So, being the little genius that I was, thought it would be a great idea to have an ice-cream eating race.” Evan let out a weak laugh at that. “Long story short I ended up winning but had an awful brainfreeze afterwards. I legit thought I was dying. Zoe says she let me win but don’t believe it.”

“You were an idiot.” Finally Evan brought his head up, revealing his red eyes and puffy cheeks, but a smile now painted that freckled face and Connor counted it as a win. 

“Yea, still am it seems.”

Evan’s grin softened and he let out a long yawn. “Ugh, I’m exhausted. I think I’m gonna go to bed.” 

“G’Night Hansen.”

“Night Connor.”

Connor watched as Evan got curled up in his bed before leaving to watch whatever was on tv in the living room. Connor didn’t need sleep anymore, so he spent most nights just waiting for Evan to wake up. Occasionally he would leave the house and explore. He still hadn’t set foot in his house yet. He would tomorrow though. Evan’s already proven he can’t be left alone with his family without something going wrong and he wasn’t about to let the kid sit through a Murphy Family Dinner alone. It would be cruel and unusual punishment. 

So that's how Connor found himself in front of his own house next to Evan Hansen, hoping to let the evening pass without incident. But of course, that was just too much to ask for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof I am just pumping these babies out. I’m so fucking tired though so I apologize before hand for any mistakes found in this chapter. Anyways, as always, thank you for reading! And I will see you next chapter.


	4. Questions and Answers

Evan could feel his hands getting sweaty before he ever reached the front door.How was he supposed to act? Would Zoe be in there? What would they expect him to say? He hoped his cast didn’t smell, it was starting to get kinda old. He had texted his mom to say he was going over to Jared’s in case she got home early, but what if she called Jared’s mom and figured out he had lied to her? 

“Stop” Connor didn’t sound annoyed, in fact he didn’t seem to show much emotion at all. 

“But I didn’t say anything” Evan said defensively. 

“I can _hear_ you thinking.” 

Evan let out a huff, but didn’t bother disputing. They both continued to stare at the house as he tried to build up the courage to knock on the door. Man, the Murphy’s had a huge house. Even if his dad hadn’t left, Evan didn’t think his family would have had enough to live here. Wrapping his arms around his middle, he felt a little sick. 

“I’m here for backup. They ask you anything you don’t know, I give you the answer. Ok?” Connor reminded him.

“T-thanks” 

“Mm”

It was nice knowing Connor had his back. It seemed like they were just gonna roll with idea of them having been friends and hopefully the Murphy’s would be satisfied with a little visit and let Evan slip out of their lives unnoticed. Evan approached the door but stopped just before knocking when he noticed Connor was still behind him.

“Connor are you alright?”

Connor jerked as his thoughts were interrupted. Shoving his hands into his black hoodie, he stalked up to the door. 

“Just peachy. Let’s get this over with.”

Not one to push, Evan let Connor’s attitude go. Of course Connor would be upset going back into his house. Evan didn’t know what he’d do in Connor’s shoes. He wondered if the house had changed at all in the past few days that Connor’d been gone, and if it would be good or bad if it were. 

Evan rung the doorbell and in a few moments Zoe opened up the door. She looked almost empty. Of course she was still pretty; Evan thought she could be wearing a potato sack and still be gorgeous, but this wasn’t the bright lively Zoe Evan had last seen at school. She hadn’t bothered with makeup or doing her hair, prefering to throw it up into a messy ponytail. She leaned against the door frame and stared through him more than at him.

“Uh… h-hey Zoe. Wh- what’s up?” He tried to give, what he hoped was a friendly yet casual smile, but it wasn’t returned. She moved aside to let him in and said,

“My parents are in the living room”, before she walked up a staircase and vanished. 

How was he supposed to know where the living room is? Evan could already feel his chest tighten under the pressure of the situation. He shouldn’t have come. Evan was a terrible liar, even with Connor’s help. He couldn’t do this. He couldn-

“Evan breath. Its down the hall and to the right” Connor informed from over Evan’s shoulder. He looked almost bored as he scanned the area. Evan wasn’t sure how much of it was a facade but he couldn’t be caught talking to Connor here of all places.

Just then, Ms.Murphy rounded a corner and the way she beamed as her eyes landed on Evan made him sick.

“Oh Evan! It’s so nice to see you again.”

Ms.Murphy didn’t look much better than Zoe but she was at least trying to look happy.

“Nice t-to see you t-too Ms.Murphy” 

“Call me Cynthia dear” She took Evan’s hand in her own and clutched it like a lifeline. 

After a pause that only Evan seemed to be uncomfortable with, Ms.Mur- Cynthia said,

“Why don’t you go spend some time in Connor’s room while I finish up dinner?”

Evan just nodded dumbly and she lead him up to, presumably, Connor’s room. She left him alone after opening the door and Evan just stood there, taking it all in. MCR and Mother Mother posters hung above the bed. An “I believe” UFO poster hung above a desk and an electric guitar sat in the corner on a stand. The comforter on the bed was so dark blue it was almost black. Surprisingly, Connor also had a large bookcase filled with all sorts of books: “Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy”, “Harry Potter” (All 7 of them), and “The Hobbit”. Evan didn’t recognize a lot of them, but most looked well used, if not falling apart.

“Ugh, bet they went through all my shit. It’s way too clean in here” 

Connor startled him out of his staring, which, Evan really needed to get control of if he was gonna keep his cool around Connor’s family.

“So ... you’re kinda a huge emo nerd huh?” 

Connor sputtered with embarrassment, 

“Hey fuck you! I’m cool as shit. Better than hanging up a bunch of trees around my room.”

Evan let the tree comment slide. He was getting used to Connor’s deflecting defense and Jared had been calling him “tree-fucker” for years.

“No, I-I like it. I thinks it's pretty cool.” Evan was being honest. It was nice to see this personal side of Connor. Connor just grumbled something unintelligible and wandered over to his bookshelf.

Evan trailed over to the desk where a stack of small papers lay. Shuffling through he realized they were sketches. A lot of them were little doodles but there were a few really detailed ones. One was of a sketch of a young woman, another was of a forest scenery. They were beautiful. 

“Hey don’t touch those” Connor protested.

Setting them down, Evan apologized.

“What?” To Evan’s surprise and embarrassment, it was Zoe’s voice coming from behind him. Spinning around, he could see her leaning against the doorway and regarding Evan with a calculating look. 

“What are you doing in here?” She asked as she stalked forward and Evan instinctually stepped back but the desk was in his way. 

“Y-your mom, she said to w-wait in here.” Evan felt like he was in an interrogation already, they hadn’t even gotten to dinner. 

Zoe sat on the bed while staring Evan down. After he stood there for enough time for his palms to start to sweat, she seemed to take pity on him and patted the space next to her. An invitation he quickly accepted.

The awkward silence was broken when Zoe asked,

“So you and my brother huh?”

“Heh, yup. Me and Connor. Best bros.” Evan hoped he sounded convincing, but judging by the way Connor groaned into his palms he’d have to say no.

“So where did you guys hang out? I never saw you together at school, and he never brought you home.” 

“Tell her we hung out at the old apple orchard” Connor chimed in next to him. It took a lot of effort for Evan not to instinctually look over at Connor who sat, arms folded over the back of his desk chair, looking at both of them. 

“Uh, you know the old apple orchard?” 

Zoe seemed surprised, “Yea actually. We used to go there as a family when Connor and I were little. I thought it got shut down?”

“Uhhh…” 

“We broke in, duh. It’s just a fence.” Connor was going to ruin his image with the Murphys Evan realized. 

“Uhh, yea. W-we broke in?” It came out as more of a question than an answer.

“I don’t really see you as the breaking and entering type.” Man was that right. Evan’s heart pounded faster just thinking about it. But the orchard itself didn’t sound so bad. He’d probably go there if it wasn’t closed up.

“Well, you know what they say: Looks can be deceiving.” Evan joked, and this time it earned him a small smile … followed by another awkward pause. 

“So … what did you guys talk about?” 

“Trees!” Evan blurted and Connor shouted, “WHat?.”

“... trees? Is that like, code for weed?”

“Yes” Connor encouraged.

“No!”

“Ugh, dammit Hansen! The last thing she’d gonna believe is that you turned me into some weird tree hippie.”

Evan ignored him, “I mean, um, I mostly talked about the trees cause ... I like trees.”

She paused for a moment in thought.

“Were you guys” she made a weird gesture with her hands, linking them together.

“Oh. my. God. Zoe!” Connor buried his face in his hands, but Evan was just confused.

“I don’t..?”

She rolled her eyes like it was obvious, “Were you guys together? Is that why I never saw you hang out at school together? So you wouldn’t be clocked?”

Evan felt his face burst into flames, “N-no! No, it’s not like that! We weren’t- I’m not-” This conversation was not going how Evan had thought it would.

“Dude relax, I’m not homophobic or anything. In fact, I’m probably not so straight myself” She let out an awkward chuckle. 

Truth be told Evan hadn’t thought too hard about his own sexuality. His peers caused him too much anxiety for him to stop and scope them out. The only exception being Zoe of course. If he really thought about it he probably wouldn’t mind dating a guy either. But now was not the time for a sexuality crisis. 

“Oh, that’s, um, cool.” 

Evan was saved from any more questions by Cynthia yelling,

“Dinner’s ready!”

All the light that had been in Zoe’s face disappeared and she instinctively curled around herself. 

“I guess we should head down?” Evan hesitantly suggested.

She sat there, staring at the door, frowning. Connor wasn’t much help, he just stared at his sister with a contemplative, and a little sad, look on his face. Zoe looked back at Evan and said,

“Tell them I don’t feel good,” before she stood and left the room. After a few moments of silence went by, Evan turned and asked Connor, 

“Are you ok?”

The boy in question sighed, “There’s just so much I don’t know about her. And… and now it’s too late.”

Evan didn’t know what to say to that. He stood up, preparing himself to go downstairs and eat with the Murphys. It felt more like he was walking the plank than enjoying a gluten-free pasta dish. Connor still sat there, staring at his empty doorway. 

“Connor” Evan said softly.

Connor hummed in vague acknowledgement but didn’t take his eyes off the doorway.

“Connor we have to go eat dinner.”

Wordlessly, Connor rose and exited the room. To Evan, Connor had never resembled a ghost more than he did in that moment. 

Here goes nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, another chapter. This one came a little slower than the other because midterms are coming up, which I am procrastinating on by writing. Nothing like procrastinating one thing to get yourself to stop procrastinating another. Anyways, hope y'all enjoy the chapter!


	5. Dinner With The Murphys

“Evan it’s so nice to have you over. How have you been?’” Connor’s mother spoke in that fake cheeriness she put on when she ignored how awful everything was. Connor figured he’d seen that expression more often than her real smile over the years. 

Judging by the look on Evan’s face, he was already panicking about the simple question. That was the biggest difference between the two boys, they were both fucked up but Connor’s negative emotions came out as anger while Evan’s came out as anxiety. Evan tried to hide from the world while Connor couldn’t seem to keep the attention off of him. Connor felt weird standing in the corner just watching everyone eat, but it was less weird to him than sitting at the table.

“I-I’m doing all right… um, Zoe said she didn’t feel well.” Evan kept his eyes on his food, some gluten free pasta monstrosity his mother had “cooked” up in her ‘everything gluten is evil phases.’ Something Connor certainly didn’t miss. 

Connor zoned out a bit as Evan talked about how they were “great friends” and he seemed to be doing alright with it. They had already discussed a few things his parents might bring up or ask about, but Connor was here just in case. Or at least he tried to be. 

Being in the house, seeing his family grieve, was… unsettling. In all honesty, Connor felt like he was still alive, just, invisible. It was wrong for them to look so sad. Why should they even care now? They didn’t seem to before. Sometimes when Cynthia looked at Evan, Connor felt like she was looking at the son she wished she’d had. Instead of the fuck-up she’d got. Evan was messed up, sure, but he hadn’t started smoking pot or brokedown his bedroom door in a fit of rage. Evan wouldn’t have threatened Zoe or wrecked his dad’s car after stealing it for a quick drive. Even his dad didn’t look down at Evan with the distaste he’d reserved for Connor. No his dad looked at Evan like he was calculating the kid’s worth and he didn’t seem that disappointed with what he saw. ‘Potential’ his eyes said. They all would have been better off with anyone but Connor in their lives and they knew it too. 

He felt the anger steadily rise in him but he was distracted by Evan standing up and walking away. Wait what? Connor followed him out and he was about to ask where he was going before he realized Evan was just heading towards the bathroom. Great, now he felt awkward. Thankfully it seemed to be a farce because Evan gestured him into the room.

“Connor what are you doing?” Evan yell-whispered, nearing panic. The white light of the bathroom made Evan’s skin look even pastier than usual. How did a kid who loved the outdoors so much stay so white?

“Sorry you’re gonna have to be specific. Wasn’t really listening after the whole ‘we liked to frolic in the sunny fields’ speil.” Evan flustered at the remark but pushed forward. 

“Yea, I noticed,” he snapped, “Now they think we sent secret emails to each other and that’s why I wasn’t in your phone.”

Connor wondered when the last time he even sent an email that wasn’t school related. Oh yea, never. 

“Evan what the hell. Why are you so bad at this? No one sends emails anymore!”

“I don’t want to hear it! You were supposed to help me with this, not space out. Besides, the problem isn’t them believing me about the emails, its that they want to see them.”

“Just tell them no, that they were too personal or whatever.” Connor paused. “Wow, no wonder Zoe thought we were a thing. Man wouldn’t that be a way to come out to your parents. Finding your old sex emails to your boyfriend after you died.” Connor laughed a little at the look his father would get if he knew his son was raging homosexual. He definitely wouldn’t approve of Evan then. Evan didn’t seem to share his humor.

“Connor this is serious. And no, I can’t tell them no because I already said yes. And no, do not give me crap for that; you know full well I can’t say no to people.”

“Seem to be fine saying it to me.” Connor grumbled. 

“You’re different though.” 

“Oh really? I couldn’t tell.” Connor rolled his eyes.

“No, not the… dead thing. It’s like, you’re just easier to talk to. I don’t always feel so judged around you,” Evan admitted quietly. 

Connor thought it was probably because no matter how bad Evan was at handling life, he couldn’t do any worse than Connor short of killing himself too. He didn’t voice that though because Evan would probably just disagree to be nice or it might trigger a panic attack.

“Alright here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna go out there and tell them that you don’t feel well. Emotionally or physically, doesn’t matter. Then we’re gonna go home and watch one of those nature documentaries I know you love and you’re gonna eat something. Then after you’ve had a full night of sleep, we’re gonna figure out a game plan. We’ve got the weekend to come up with something more solid. Ok?” 

At Connor’s words, a weight seemed to be lifted off of Evan’s shoulders and he let out a long breath. Connor might have felt a little self conscious about seeming like such a mother hen if it didn’t calm Evan down so much. The blonde always felt better when there was a plan. Helped with his anxiety for the unknown. Helping Evan helped Connor too. It made him focus on something other than his current “predicament”.

Evan straightened up, “Ok.”

Connor walked back into the dining room and watched closely as Evan gave his excuse to leave early. The boy thanked Connor’s parents for a meal that had to have tasted like garbage before making his escape outside. Just being in the fresh air gave a little more life back to Evan. Connor thought the sun made the boy’s freckles pop out and his blue eyes sparkle. God he’s gay. 

Once they both reached the sidewalk, Evan looked back at the house and could see Zoe in a second-story window. She gave him a tired little wave which he returned. Connor stared at the window for a moment before turning away. 

“Come on Evan, let’s go home.”

Evan couldn’t agree more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this being so short and coming out so long after the first 4. I tend to write in bursts and staying up on new years seemed to be the perfect opportunity. Speaking of, Happy Newyears! Hope y'all had a good 2018.


End file.
